How to Handle Impossible People: The Science of Tough Conversations

Here’s the Deal: Talking Can Be Tougher Than You Think

Let’s just admit it — talking things out when emotions are all over the place? Not exactly a walk in the park. It’s like trying to untangle headphones that somehow tied themselves into 47 knots. So, let’s play a little mental game to kick this off.

Raise a finger if you’ve ever:

• Repeated the same conversation a dozen times and still landed on square one.

• Accidentally hurt someone’s feelings and had no clue until later.

• Felt insulted but just couldn’t explain why.

• Watched a chat take a U-turn straight into Argument Town.

• Pretended a conversation didn’t need to happen because, let’s be honest, it felt way too messy to start.

I don’t know about you, but that’s five-for-five on my end. And hey, maybe that’s how it’s been for you, too. So why’s it this hard? Well, here’s the kicker — no one really teaches us how to talk. We’re thrown into it, expected to learn by watching other people, many of whom didn’t have a clue themselves.

But good news — this is all fixable. Let’s talk about how you can turn those chaotic, tricky chats into moments that actually move things forward.

What Counts as a “Big Deal” Conversation Anyway?

You know the ones — the chats where the stakes are up here (picture me holding my hand way over my head). These tend to pop up when:

1. Folks can’t agree on what’s what.

2. The results really matter.

3. Tempers or nerves are creeping into the mix.

Think of examples like telling your boss their latest idea doesn’t quite hit the mark, asking for overdue money from a friend, or addressing that one relative who always makes “jokes” at your expense.

Not exactly chats anyone’s rushing to have, right?

Waiting It Out? That’s a Trap

Here’s the truth: Problems don’t vanish just because you ignore them. It’s more like leaving a pot on the stove — it boils over eventually. Sarcasm sneaks in. Annoyed looks get exchanged. And before you know it, resentment sets up shop.

And timing? That’s a whole other issue. The longer you wait, the messier it gets. It’s like waiting too long to clean out your fridge — things grow moldy and weird really fast.

Step One: Talk About What Matters (Not Just What’s Easy)

Sometimes, it feels simpler to pick a side topic rather than tackle the actual thing bugging you. Or, you focus on whatever just happened, skipping over the larger pattern that’s been the real problem all along.

Here’s a handy breakdown:

• Single Issue: Tackle it when something goes wrong once.

• Recurring Problem: Bring it up when the same thing keeps happening.

• Bigger Picture: Address it when trust, respect, or the vibe between you is starting to erode.

Step Two: Get Your Head in the Right Place First

Before you open your mouth, figure out what’s really going on in your head. A lot of the time, our reactions come from the story we’ve made up in our minds — not what actually happened.

For instance:

• What facts are there, plain and simple?

• What story are you telling yourself about those facts?

• Could there be a different version of events that makes sense?

Say your coworker skips updating you on a big decision. Your first thought might be, “They don’t respect my input.” But maybe they just didn’t realize you wanted a say. See how flipping the script changes everything?

Step Three: Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

Ask yourself these questions:

• What’s the real goal here? Do you want clarity? Resolution? Respect?

• What’s the wrong outcome you want to avoid? Maybe it’s blowing up the relationship or making things worse.

By keeping those in mind, you can steer the conversation in a way that helps rather than hurts.

Step Four: Safety First, Always

If someone doesn’t feel heard or respected, that chat is headed downhill fast. Instead, focus on making the space feel safe by:

• Showing appreciation for their perspective, even if it’s wildly different from yours.

• Clarifying you’re both on the same team, looking for the same solution.

Step Five: Say It Right with the STATE Approach

Here’s a simple way to keep your words clear, calm, and constructive:

1. Start with Facts: Say what you noticed without drama.

2. Share Your Take: Add your perspective, but stay open to theirs.

3. Ask for Their Side: Make room for their thoughts.

4. Talk Gently: Use phrases that soften your tone.

5. Encourage Feedback: Invite them to tweak or challenge your view.

Step Six: What to Do When Things Get Heated

Ever have someone say something that hits you like a slap in the face? Yeah, me too. Here’s how to handle it:

• Pause and Breathe: Literally take a deep breath before reacting.

• Ask Questions: Shift focus by saying, “Can you explain what you mean by that?”

• Step Away if Needed: It’s totally fair to say, “Let’s take a break and circle back.”

Step Seven: Keep the Ball Rolling

What’s the point of a big conversation if nothing actually changes? Before you wrap up, do this:

1. Write down who’s doing what, and by when.

2. Set a time to check in on progress.

3. Make sure you’ve both agreed on the game plan.

Final Thought: You Don’t Need to Be Perfect

Let’s be real — getting better at these conversations takes practice. A lot of it, honestly.

But each time you approach one with a little more calm and clarity, you’ll find it gets easier.

And who knows? That scary talk you’ve been putting off might just end up being the thing that brings you closer to someone.